Quick one.
I know I have not written here for a long time but now I felt the urge of having something.
A friend posted recently on Instagram that she listed all the things that made her happy and it felt really good. Thinking it was a great idea, I did mine tonight.
I haven’t filled the whole sheet of paper—yet. (And I have a micro handwriting so...) but as I pour my heart out to every phrase I jot down, I can’t help but smile. She was right. It did feel so good.
I read, and re-read, and re-read each and traced with my fingers the lines I wrote. Hey, there’s something really to be thankful for, I said to myself.
2017 was quite a challenging year for me. I didn’t know at first, until I was experiencing anxiety attacks every now and then. It usually happens when I am on my way home, when it’s already dark and I am squeezed in a stiffed and stuffed UV express.
What if I die? I thought to myself.
What if someone I love dies? Then another.
What if we all die? Then another.
How does it feel like to be pregnant? Another one.
If I become pregnant, how will I handle a human being inside my belly? Yes, another.
Do we get through this government? Of course.
What if he declares martial law? Hay.
It starts with one thought bubble then pops to another. As my mind drifts away, my gut slowly builds up and my panic starts to rise. That’s when I begin to lose my breath, feel dizzy, and about to throw up.
Then there’s another moment I had the past night. At home.
I would not disclose much of what happened, but from what I recall, I was woken up by my dad abruptly, which triggered a very bad headache. I keep pacing around the house to make the thumping in my head stop, then the flashbacks happened. The hospital, the bills, the missed flight...
That’s when I started crying. I cried real, real hard.
The morning after, I reassessed myself and thought of what happened. Could probably be PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).
I got scared.
After that incident, everyday was a struggle. I was floating my way through the day but managed to make everything seem normal. I fought hard to stop it from recurring.
One day I decided to drop by the nearest chapel from my workplace. I thought to myself, I am a strong, independent woman. I managed to get through worse before. Why now?
Then I let it all out to God.
I recounted all the blessings I had for the past months; how my family and my friends were there to support me all throughout. How my life turned in the past year despite being afraid of facing a whole new world (literally, lol).
Nothing was bad. It was actually amazing.
Seeing how far I went and how I get through my daily life were blessings itself. It's just I don't know how I'd be grateful.
I slowly learned how to appreciate little things like a good cup of coffee in the morning, wonderful greetings from colleagues, a day with my loved ones, and more.
I also noticed how it affected my physical state and well-being. I became well-rested and glowing (as some of my friends said.)
Naturally, not all things in the world are good. But here's to hoping I can list down all the things that matters on my sheet of paper to counter all these negativity in my head. Probably a sheet or two.
So now, I am keeping in mind what I read somewhere in the web before and sharing it to you. You know,
It's just a bad day, not a bad life.
And a virtual hug might help. *squeezes you*