Have you ever had those moments when you felt like you're not the prettiest girl in the room?
Well, I had.
Not technically, but there are moments when I just fade into the background. Like a wallflower.
Then there are moments when I scroll through the depths of the social media feed and can't help but think how someone is so attractive and good-looking.
Not that it's anyone's fault but there are times when I feel pressured to stand out and I cannot help but compare myself to other people. Then I just feel bad about myself. How come I can't be as pretty as her? Why can't I be cool? How is she that fit and sexy? Why is life so unfair?
(Why is this blog post starting to sound like an article from Seventeen or Candy? Lol.)
But seriously—there are days when I feel bad about myself. When I look in the mirror and realize that I don't even see myself as pretty. And I'm saying this not to fish out compliments, I'm saying this because it's the harsh reality that I, myself, can't even consider myself as enough or definitely not at par to the beauty standards of today's society.
Insecurity has always been my issue since.
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I remember this one time when my family and I were in Divisoria. I dressed down and tied my hair in a pony because I wasn't in the mood to actually "prettify" myself. It was Divisoria, anyway.
When we stopped by in one of the stalls, I heard two men behind talking about me, saying, "Hindi naman maganda. Kaw na lang, p're. Sa'yo na."
I glared at them, knowing that I was the one they're talking about.
When they saw me looked, they giggled as if nothing happened and turned their heads away. I was enraged but quickly dismissed it since I know it would be a waste of time. But deep down it was hurtful. That night I was thinking, maybe there wasn't really something to be mad about because maybe—they were telling the truth. Hindi naman talaga ako maganda, 'di ba?
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I was always the big girl. I've already lost count on how many times I've been called mataba, chubby, and the nicest way they can word it, "big-boned."
In 2019, I resorted to Keto diet and drastically lost 5 kilos in a month. I was happy I got the results I wanted. People were praising me for it because "Wow, ang payat mo na! Paano??"
But I had to stop because (1) I had allergies that restricted me to eat a lot of eggs, chicken, and nuts (which consists most of the diet) and (2) it was really a joy-less journey of eating burgers without buns and ulams without the kanin.
It was good while it lasted. Now, I am just pushing myself to do workouts whenever possible to maintain or lose weight.
My workout playlist? The famous hits of "Ang taba-taba mo na" and "Kain ka kasi ng kain!" on repeat.
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My conscious, insecure self will always remind me of these flaws—and a lot more. There will be days when I would definitely think I am not worthy of standing beside people, being friends with, or even staying with someone in a relationship because they deserve (or might look for) someone who is waaaaay better.
But then, these experiences had taught me how to turn these insecurities into improvements. And you should, too.
Feeling ugly today? Why not go dress up and do your makeup?
Feeling fat? How about a 10-15 minute workout to make you feel better?
Feeling not enough? How about finding something you do best and be proud of it?
Truth is, there is no cure for the insecure. It's human nature and you can't avoid it. But you can turn it into something that could make your life even better. Instead of letting it eat you up, maybe it's time to set it aside and focus on the things that matters most—to those people who truly appreciate you for who you are.
These remarks will just be on the surface. There will always be people who will accept you no matter what. And that is what's important.
And for those who don't? Well, ditch them. They don't deserve you. Right?
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Most importantly, as the cliché will go, learn to love yourself. You can never present the best version of yourself when you cannot even fully accept who you are.
While honestly, I'm still struggling to do this part, little by little hopefully I will get there soon.
So they say, self-love is the key. You go, girl.